I Am Not Woodward

A sharp, sardonic column that blends askew observations with a touch of askance. We do not claim to take any political position so expect us to whack all sides of the political spectrum. At the end of the day, this is light-hearted, easy to read and irreverent, but not disrespectful so please do enjoy it.

Here’s Why You’re An Awesome Communicator

Photo from NY Daily News

The Ultimate Method of Self Expression 
All animals express themselves in a multitude of ways. Birds of paradise dance, fish electro-communicate and dogs urinate. But, how do we as humans ultimately express ourselves? Through mugs and t-shirts.
Ever since man has walked upright, we’ve found ways to declare who we are and what we represent. The Bill of Rights provides the liberty to speak our minds, paint our worlds, and brag on Facebook. We market our passions on bumper stickers, scribe wishes on birthday cakes and protest when mom changes the locks. But, is this enough? No. That’s why mugs and t-shirts are staples of our culture.
Consider what your ceramic cups and cotton garmets represent? Comfort. Comfort and closeness. Casual, even. Or do they tell us something more. For instance, if your mug says “World’s Best Dad” and your tee says “Virginia is for Lovers”, you know your illegitimate child actually loves you.

We market our passions on bumper stickers, scribe wishes on birthday cakes and protest when mom changes the locks. But, when you come right down to it, nothing beats the mug and t-shirt.

What’s more, these things communicate your identity and values. They can say trustworthy and loyal as well as salesman and sleaze bag. Thus, if you’re on the PTA and are a football fan, wear the insignia shirts to meetings and games. And if you work for Credit Suisse, wear the “I’m not a rat” tee to your Justice Department interrogation.
Aside from recognition and identity, mugs and tees share our point-of-view. Just look at Dan Sterling – notorious owner of the LA Clippers and America’s punching bag for bigotry. Of course, before the uproar, he’d wear the team jersey. But now, since everyone wants to leave an imprint on his mug, if he does wear a Clippers shirt, he better wear it inside out.
Interestingly enough, Sterling is fodder for the talk show circuit, which mugs are a support. While news executives use mugs to create an intimate setting so you feel part of the Face the Nation conversation. The cup say “Come sit. Join our ‘kitchen table’ chat. We’ll beat on the Ukraine more than Putin, we’ll debate who has brain damage, Hillary Clinton or Karl Rove, and we’ll talk about why Meet the Press sucks it.”
But, in context, the mug is helpless because the dialogue is hardly close knit. There is no reality. Do you think CNN’s Kate Bolduan holds a Starbucks mug while gabbing with her gal pals about Crimea or Clay Aiken? No. If anything, the coffee house Siren says, “Ladies, relax. You’re among the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Cradle your mug and share your angst. Lizzy’s snake tattoo is permanent and the baby loves teething on the dog dish. Just get it out.”
Whether you’re headed to a Starbucks or elsewhere, a travel mug shows you’re pragmatic about finances and rightfully so. In a way, they say your mug is your friend. It holds your coffee, keeps it warm, and doesn’t spill. That is, until they break. I’d toss it. Send a message: Your so cheap. 
But, most of all, we want to share with our loved we remember them when we travel. In that regard, mugs and t-shirts make great gifts. For example, if you leave your children to travel to London, buy them a little something. Don’t make them worry about abandonment. Even if your tee has Cleveland on the front, that’s great. After all, thinking of them is important. However, no one said when.
 

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This is What You’re Thinking at Family Gatherings

<img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1407" src="https://iamnotwoodward.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/cay Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Enjoy Climate Change

Anthony C. Fireman:

In the event you missed it, here is my article “How to Enjoy Climate Change”. If you have a moment, please read it and, if you’re so inclined, feel free to reblog it. Don’t cost nuthin’.
Thanks for your support!

Originally posted on I Am Not Woodward:


skotan_Thumbs_up_smiley

Photo by Skotan at openclipart.org

Scientists and MIT geeks point to the sky and opine about rising sea levels, a depleted ozone layer, drought and super storms. Meanwhile, the nay sayers believe beaches will remain the same, droughts will come and go and your daughter will still date that guy with hoops for ear lobes.

The truth is who cares? If the world ultimately ends up like Homs, Syria, we have nothing to lose. Therefore, let’s just chill. Every meteorologist, politician, lobbyist, economist and anyone else should see the upside of the earth swallowing itself whole.

That’s right, see the upside. If seas rise, you, Toledo, will have waterfront property. You’ll swim in your backyard right from the sliding door – no dock needed. In addition, you’ll sip coffee while bearing witness to a harbor of houses flushed toward the interstate. And what’s more, you might catch a Carnival cruise…

View original 439 more words

Filed under: Uncategorized

How to Enjoy Climate Change


skotan_Thumbs_up_smiley

Photo by Skotan at openclipart.org

Scientists and MIT geeks point to the sky and opine about rising sea levels, a depleted ozone layer, drought and super storms. Meanwhile, the nay sayers believe beaches will remain the same, droughts will come and go and your daughter will still date that guy with hoops for ear lobes.

The truth is who cares? If the world ultimately ends up like Homs, Syria, we have nothing to lose. Therefore, let’s just chill. Every meteorologist, politician, lobbyist, economist and anyone else should see the upside of the earth swallowing itself whole.

That’s right, see the upside. If seas rise, you, Toledo, will have waterfront property. You’ll swim in your backyard right from the sliding door – no dock needed. In addition, you’ll sip coffee while bearing witness to a harbor of houses flushed toward the interstate. And what’s more, you might catch a Carnival cruise through your neighborhood. On second thought, I’d rather drown.

And what if the high seas are a farce? Not to worry. You’ll mow your lawn, fight with your wife and plunge your toilet just as you do today. Yep, life will be overflowing with joy.

The truth is who cares? If the world ultimately ends up like Homs, Syria, we have nothing to lose. Therefore, let’s just chill. Every meteorologist, politician, lobbyist, economist and anyone else should see the upside of the earth swallowing itself whole.

Nonetheless, climate change will be romantic. You and your honey can sit in front of a nice warm brush fire while it slowly closes in. No chopping logs and schlepping them to the fireplace. And no need to spend cash on chords of wood either. Your house will suffice just fine.

While watching your effects turn to ashen flakes is all part of the fun, heavy snows are too. If you are an exercise junkie, the harsh winters will provide an amazing workout. With each lift of the shovel, your back muscles, quads and shoulders will burn like fire. Be thankful. It may be the only heat you feel for a while. But, hey, welcome to Planet Fitness.

And let’s not forget about severe cyclones, tornadoes and hurricanes. Don’t be shocked if wind speeds approach 250 mph. The bad news is families will be separated for miles. The good news is Africa will reunite with the Americas.

In the U.S., the Clean Air Act is supposed to control carbon emissions. However, countering our efforts are countries like China. They have no problem spewing tons of fossil fuels into the stratosphere and neither does Russia. Despite that, Vladimir Putin is curbing his pollutin’. He is building efficient power plants that will float in the Arctic Ocean. Knowing Russian construction techniques, they will likely crash on the Kansas coastline.

The Environmental Protection Agency is at the forefront of the fossil fuels problem. They say a depleted ozone layer causes severe droughts. Be that as it may, a drought can rekindle neighborly relations. Do remember that if nothing happens, you’ll still get to water your tomato garden, sleep with your mistress next door and wash off her lipstick. Conversely, when a drought hits, expect The Goldbergs to stop by and “check on you” and your pantry too.

At the end of the day, and civilization as we know it, who knows what will actually happen. If nothing occurs, be thankful. If it does, then appreciate your career, family and million dollar waterfront home. After all, you know what they say, Toledo, always go out on top.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

WARNING: If You Smoke, You Should Read This

20140221-223901.jpg

Sorry smokers, bad news. The drugstore chain, CVS, is flicking their cigarette business right out the window.

For us, the smokers, this has fired up anxieties and Camel Lights too. After all, CVS and cigarettes go together like emphysema and air tanks. And now, after all these years, they’re going cold turkey.

So please, why quit now? After years of selling cigs, CVS has stepped out of our shared blanket woven with a mix of murky haze and denial. They suddenly believe tobacco does not promote long term health or a better life. They think Merits have no merit and Menthol Lights don’t soothe a throat. Believe us, we know.

Despite that, we disagree. Smoking has benefits. Cigs help us relax, keep the weight off and compliments a cup of coffee. We certainly understand this isn’t a boon for fresh breath, but we do get plenty of “me” time.

But, seriously, what have you been doing? Do you still watch Dr. Oz? Did the Surgeon General get his rant on about the detriments of smoking on pregnant women? Hey, listen, don’t believe everything you hear. You know plenty of ladies still smoke while pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, they love their babies, but they also love their cigarettes. Like I said, they love their babies.

After years of selling cigs, CVS has stepped out of our shared murky haze. They suddenly believe tobacco does not promote long term health or a better life. They think Merits have no merit and Menthol Lights don’t soothe a throat. They might remove it. But they definitely won’t soothe it.

Don’t you see, CVS, that your stores are the quintessential place for our basic staples, statin drugs and Saratogas? We could have shopped at Walgreens for OJ, milk, Wellbutrin, vitamins, a birthday card and a crappy romance novel. But we came to you. You are our go-to store. To us, CVS never stood for Customer, Value, Service, it was Carrying Virginia Slims.

And just think what you’re doing to Philip Morris. Granted, they are no longer the industry monarch they used to be. They’ve been filtered out over the past ten years. We don’t even see the Marlborough Man much anymore and he’s been taking drags since birth. Now he’s snuffed off storyboards. To think he’s made more money for you than Mucinex ever will. Shame on you.

So now what? Smokeless tobacco? The patch? Electronic cigarettes? Really?What exactly are these things anyhow? Do they run on batteries? Do I need a charger? What about the wattage? Can I smoke them in bed? Tell me now. I don’t want to cremate myself.

Finally, it’ll be a blue Christmas this year. We looked forward to those twitchy Christmas mornings when we pulled a carton of Salem’s from our stockings. We ripped that open the way kids do an Xbox. But that’s all gone now, isn’t it? How incredibly sad. Sorry kids, go back to your violent video games. They’ll be no more holiday smoke rings. In fact, no more smoke rings, period.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , ,

The Shocking Truth About Your Shock

20131124-143457.jpg

Why are you so shocked by what you see and hear these days. In a world of social networking, 24-hour news cycles and blue haired bubbies, we are drowning in silliness and nonsense. We are addicted to the most outrageous pics, terse statements, viral videos and more. We are, in a sense, a mockery of the modern world.

Do not get me wrong. The good ole’ US of A is still exceptional. Our exceptionalism lies in our shock jocks and shock rock, reality show rages and Kanye’s conniptions. We have big league bullies, a flummoxed Fed, an economic enigma and more. Do we really need the whole “I am shocked” schtick? The shocking truth is no we don’t.

Were you really shocked when Miley Cyrus smoked a joint while onstage at the MTV’s European Video Awards? Did you exclaim, “Oh my goodness, what is she doing?”. Please. Cyrus has been a wild child for some time now and she is certainly not the first. So it will not be so unusual when she stars in a soft porn film called Hannah Mountana.

Were you really shocked when Vladimir Putin gave bugged gifts to his G-20 comrades? We have all seen he is a cold-hearted control freak. Be that as it may, on some level, the Russian President, tried to be menchy on some level. But, once again he reaffirmed who he really is: he is not nice, but he has nice nipples.

Were you really shocked when you heard our allies whine about our spying tactics? Why? This is theater. Many movies have been made and books have been written about this very subject keeping in mind there is more reality in fiction than vice versa. Hence, Chancellor Merkel, if we see a sext of you wearing patent leather black boots, a sheer nighty holding a whip, save your gasp. You know spying is a dirty game.

Are you really shocked by this healthcare.gov fiasco? Admit it, you saw this coming. You’ve lived through manual installs and the “blue screen of death” so you know technical issues are always expected on projects like this. Sure, I understand that you need insurance. But come on now. Show a little patience. Thanksgiving is here so be thankful you’re in America. Be thankful you have great friends and great family. And if not that, be thankful you have your health. For now.

And will you be shocked if Hillary Clinton is the Democrat’s nominee for President? This is expected. She has been the First Lady, Secretary of State, and a Senator. You know she will do the job to the best of her ability and Bill will do her staff to the best of his.

Now look, Black Friday is today. Will you be surprised by the stress? Don’t bother. You should expect stores to be lawless and expect consumers to be nuts. On Black Friday, people do what is necessary for hi-tech tablets and 50″ flats screens. If someone gets a black eye, so be it. Remember, this is the season of giving.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

I Am The Flower Box Killer

I admit it. I am a serial killer, however, I do not kill people. I kill flowers.

Ever since I moved into my house four years ago, I have constantly killed the flowers I pot and plant in my garden. I do not use garden shears, hedge clippers or trimmers. To be blunt, I use neglect. I have 37 kills to date.

I do not mean to do it. I purchase them to enhance the beauty and value of my property, not to have them die. Initially, the process is soothing. A form of therapy if you will. Then, over time, things change.

As I said, I mean well. Pictures of flowers cover my garage walls. One is a pretty red chrysanthemum in an adobe pot. It is like a mural. Another is a flower box full of purple kale and orange liberterias. This is a magazine cut out. As you can see, to me, these are walls of inspiration. I stare at them for hours.

Today I want flowers for my deck. I find The Home Depot nursery is like a city bar on Saturday night. Flowers like hydrangeas are alive, drinking mist and all dolled up. On this day, I notice an Angelonia. I scrutinize her. I place my finger tips under her silky purple leaves. I pull her plant tab and see she is a tough perennial that thrives in the sun. She is perfect. I name her Angie.

When I get home, I know my wife needs help with our children. For now, Angie stays in my hot, dark garage for what amounts to be days. I talk to her. I say “Soon I will put you in a box and take you to the deck. But not now, Angie”. I slam the garage door shut. She cries.

The garage is also where I do my dirty work. I always wear gardeners gloves. Three days have gone by. It is time. I place Angie in a flower box. I sweep up any excess soil. I do not like a dirty garage.

I take Angie to the deck. I know she must have sun to survive so the corner rail is a logical place. By the same token, she contrasts better with the red table cloth in the shade. I put her down. She is a sight to see.

Yet, over time, Angie withers. She was no longer the therapy I expect. Now she is work. I grow irritated by this. I start dismissing Angie, overlooking her presence. The elements tend to her now.

Angie is dead within a week. Her leaves are shriveled, her stem hunched over. I pull her from the box and shove her in a yard bag with my other victims. The sack remains in the garage. When Fall comes, the bag will be picked up by the Public Works Department. Thankfully, they have no idea.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Blogger’s Room 237

I just ran from what I consider to be the blogger’s Room 237.

You know the one I’m talking about. The reference comes from The Shining, Stanley Kubrick’s epic movie based on Stephen King’s novel by the same name.

Jack Torrence and his family are the caretakers of the Overlook Hotel during the winter months. At the behest of his wife who found their son, Danny, with bruises and a torn sweater, Torrence enters Room 213, the scene of his son’s attack. He finds a tall, well-proportioned, beautiful woman taking a bath. She climbs out and moments later Torrence is kissing this woman passionately. About a minute thereafter Jack sees she has transformed from beauty to beast and he immediately runs from the room in madness.

I realize that bloggers have their own Room 237. They lay in the bathtub with a beautiful idea for a post. They embrace it and write about it passionately. But after an intense session of writing and editing, they soon see the piece has transformed from a beautiful idea into a ghastly one. Soon enough, the blogger is running from his office and that is what happened to me this week.

I guess it is true, all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. all work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy allworkandnoplaymakejackadullboy . . .

You get the picture, don’t you?

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Advice for Graduates: Confess!

Dustin Hoffman Interrogation Scene

Marathon Man: Dustin Hoffman Interrogation Scene

To the Class of 2013:

Before I begin, congratulations to all.

Today your life as a student is over. I assume many of you have prepared for the next chapter in your life. If this is indeed the case, the American Dream awaits you.

Then there are those of you who will move home to avoid the burden of making decisions about your life.

Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Twitter Tips for Pope Francis

Twitter bird in pope hatIf Pope Francis is smart, he will see Twitter as the Divine Intervention of the 21st century. Due to the Vatican’s money laundering schemes, touchy feely clergy and God knows what else, Christians are saying the Lord’s name in vain.

That is why, with a hope, a prayer and Twitter, this Pontiff just might help Christians to find salvation by going social.

So here are a few Twitter tips to help The Holy See inspire Catholicism’s Holy Spirit.

Create Pontiff-like Profile

Pope Francis, an Argentinian, could stand to beef up his profile by writing a description that personalizes who he is. You know, less formal, more fun. Right now, it says, Welcome to the Official Twitter page of His Holiness Pope Francis.

The word “official” here does not work. It makes him sound like he’s works for the TSA. Young people want a simpatico but cagey write-up. For example, “I am the Pope Francis. I like praying, blessing, cover-ups, poor people and steak. I hate the color white, gay marriage, Latin, the name Frank and El Diablo.”

Tweet! The Voice of the Vicar

We know The Big Bishop is both The Almighty’s messenger and marketer. That makes Twitter an excellent outlet for P.R. or Papal Revelations. More importantly, in the digital age, St. Pete’s balcony is no longer the tony terrace for holiday blessings. If anything, now it is better suited for hanging laundry. Therefore, with Twitter, he must tweet and tweet often.

One way to engage his fellow Christians is by asking interesting questions. Good examples are:

“What should be my focus of my sermon? #midnightmass”, “How are you serving the poor?”,“Do I look fat in this robe?”, and “Can I wear white after #LaborDay?”.

Let’s face it, as heavenly as some jobs are, none are easy regardless if you are a Jesuit or a Janitor. That being said, his followers want to know about Francis’s personal experience on the job. For that reason, the Disciple of Divinity’s tweets should be sardonic, demonstrate a sense of humanity and even self-deprecation.

I like “I am wearing the shoes of the fisherman. I guess I am more than a Pope. #Bozo” or “I won’t go to Ecuador, I won’t go to Ecuador, I won’t go to Ecuador… .”

The Vicar should also use Twitter for calls to action. Easter is a perfect opportunity to tweet, “It is Easter. Go to church. #lightningbolt

Be a Follower too

The Paps should follow others beyond the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I recommend Father Francis follow Archdiocese, Bishops and Cardinals around the world. This is a good way for him to keep tabs on how they are sharing God’s wisdom of peace and love.

On second though, maybe he shouldn’t. If I were him, I would not want to know either.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Old Stuff

Ben's Bitter Blog

"We make bitter better."

TwinDays

Living, Learning, Food, Travel, Enjoying, Fashion.

charlottecarrendar

~Weaving Words in her Web~

janyceresh

If sarcasm and self deprecating humour were an Olympic event I'd definitely qualify.

Line Of The Week

Miscellaneous Utterings From Best Friends

Plutonium™ Paint

Ultra Supreme Professional Grade Aerosol Paint

Earthniversity

Know earth, know life.

KSFINBLOG : Global Analyst

Think like a millionaire

FAswag

"....check out your swag....."

A Good Blog is Hard to Find

I will shatter a word and scatter the contents into the wind to share it with the world.

stillness of heart

MUSINGS : CRITICISM : HISTORY : PASSION

Chris Martin Writes

Pressing more into Jesus Christ everyday

What Happens to Us

Open a vein, see what flows

Funny Sweet Chocolate: Essays by Mark Coakley

Funny rants on life in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Comic essays by true-crime author. A humour (Canadian spelling) / humor (wrong spelling) blog.

Constantly Moaning

First world moaning, constant life questioning

Covered in Beer

by Thomas Cochran. Just another idiot on the Internet...Great.

Redline: Live to Drive!

To share my passion of motorsports to all my readers! To get people of all ages and income levels into the absolute best vehicle possible for their specific needs and to make driving enjoyable every single day!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 189 other followers

%d bloggers like this: